planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
