she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
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