you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
