Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
