You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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