rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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