Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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