you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
