What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
