Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
