At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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