Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
