If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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