It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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