I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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