literally had 100 drinks last night.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
