So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
