if only i could text you this smell
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
