I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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