never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
