Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
