So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
