I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
