I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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