he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
