you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize