Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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