Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize