i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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