if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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