mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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