just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
