Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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