I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
