Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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