I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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