I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
