tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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