I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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