am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
