I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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