i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
