Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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