So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
