i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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