We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
