Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
