He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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