I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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