Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize