..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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