I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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