yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
