I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
