so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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