Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Vodka?
Forever.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
