my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
