No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
