Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
