her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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